also, i feel a little less sad every day about things
i’m trying really hard
it’s difficult but
i’m going to keep trying
missing you doesn’t get any easier but maybe some other things will
mom
i wish so badly that you could meet my boyfriend
you would love him
you would be so proud of me
i miss you
<3
mom i’m doing such a good job rebuilding my life and friendships you would be so proud of me i know it
i miss you <3
I wish you were here to save me.
when my counselor asked me if i’d every told anyone i needed them when i was upset
i could only think of all the nights when i was full of hurt, whispering from my tear-soaked pillow
“i need you mom, i really need you”
maybe that counts
but
maybe i need to let myself need someone else
and realize it’s not betrayal if i do
I’m sorry I was embarrassed of you when you came in to read for my class that day you didn’t wear your wig.
I’m sorry I could not understand.
I’m sorry I was ashamed you did not look like my friends’ mothers and I didn’t understand why.
I’m sorry.
I’m so sorry.
I loved you so much.
You were still beautiful.
I remember.
You were always perfect to me even if I was afraid of you with bruises and without hair.
<3
“if you could go back now, to her side, what is it you’d want to say?”
there’s so much to say
and so little words
so many thoughts, questions, apologies, stories
how could i fit everything into a moment?
how could i repent? smile? hold it tenderly?
maybe i never said anything because there wasn’t anything to say
maybe i never needed to say anything
maybe she already knew all of it
i pray she did
i pray to god she did
“i love you.”
it’s been absolutely too long since i spoke to you here
i’m seeing a counselor now and it’s good
i know you’d want me to
but i’m afraid, mom
i’m so afraid
i’m afraid to let go of you
i know i have to but
even though i’ve accepted that you’ve been gone for the last 10+ years of my life
letting go of everything - the choices and regrets i want to change so badly - means letting go of my delusional hope to someday fix it all
it means actually accepting
that
you’ll never be here again
i found old photos in the attic
my mom was so beautiful
it’s such a shame that her smile was taken from us
i haven’t posted on here in a while
i’m not sure why
maybe it’s because i’m home
I found a little broach that was my mother’s and it’s exactly my taste and I have to figure out how to wear it with my clothes because aw :)
